4th, Nov, 2014

many things has changed in my life since last two years... may be many thing will even change in near by future! people are showing their true color during that...
today atya said that it's not good to not have faith in god!
but i don't care!
i know may be this one thing of not having faith in god could lead so many people towards the thought that i am moral less person! or may be i am bad person! but none knows the reason that why i started to lose faith in thing of being having god around... i was not like that... i had extreme faith in devi mayya since my mumma's recovery! i had prayed devi mayya every day from heart... but the way this things of god has taken place in kanha's case has created extreme hate for god in my heart!
may be this is bad or good i don't know! but i don't feel any affection towards this concept!
when i think of god... then i feel myself weak... i gets depend on some virtual thing which is neither there for me nor helping me! then why should i depend and loose my own powers? my own confidence? my own courage by praying some unexisting thing to help me?

bcos if god had been there to help me... it could have never let my brother face this situation, he could have never let my parents face the things they are facing today... he could have understood how badly i was broken with my own problem when suddenly he took away my biggest pillar of support from me in form of snatching away my brother and his love for me!

so i don't believe in god any more... nor do i feel to go to temple... or bow my head infront of any god! infact better to say... i m like this only now... and i don't know if ever i would change... and if i would change then only i will go to temple or to bow my head infront of god if and only if my brother will be in fully normal state with me with smiles on my parent's face!

jya diwashi maza bhau normal human mhanun jagel... fakt ani fakt tyach diwashi mi mandirachi pahiri chadhen!!!!

towar mazya manat, mazya hrudayat dewala jaga nahi!
mi khup badalaliy... may be mazya hya nature la pahun kuni mazya shi wedding la pn tayyar nahi honar... but i don't care!

mala nahi farak padat lok kay think kartat!
i have made my own mind... there was none when i had been facing... when i had almost lost my brother... then why should i bother for people? they had laugh at me even if i was right... and they will laugh even if i will do right or wrong anything! so i don't care what other's will think of my opinion, my feelings towards god! people calls me atheistic! then fine... I am atheistic! as pan theistic houn kotya dewane maz kalyan kel? infact me weak ch hot gele... so now when i am feeling strong with feeling that there is no any god to help us except myself and people in my life then i don't care what other's feels!

it's my life... and i will take decisions in my life as i want! i just care for people i love.. i am happy for being human... and i will do every task, every good thing, every good help for human around me!

nahi mala kona dewacha awata bhakt whaychay... nahi moksh milwaychay, nahi swargat jaychey! i am happy for what i have...! je kasht mazya life madhe aalet, jo hard time mazya life madhe aalay... i have accepted it... i am ready to face those as human!

jar lok mala mhantil ki tula pap lagnar... tar thike... tehi manjur! but i won't go to temple or god at all!
mi jashi aahe ti ashich aahe! maze ways mich banwnar... mala kuni help nahi keli, lok hasle jewha mi innocently radat hoti... jewha maze dreams mazi chuk nastana shatter zale tevha lok mala hasat hote, mala blame karat hote, mala question karat hote ki jya questions che answers mala navhate mahit! mg ka mi atta ghabru?

mi ek khup chhan human aahe he mala mahitiy! and that thing is enough for me! my parents know how am i! they loves me! my kaka kaki loved me, supported me, supported my parents when there was none for us to understand our pain... they are god for me! my parents are god for me!

the people who will help me, who will love me, who had loved, supported, helped me are my gods! and they are alive and dead now... but i would bow my head only and only infront of them and not infront of any temple or church or statue!

i know many boys could say wrong about my this nature but i don't care! i know there will be someone who would understand my feelings and won't go for that thing to judge me! but he would understand me as human!

mala nahi kunala impress karaychay... nahi khotya hopes dakhawaychyay... mi je aahe te crystal clear aahe! i don't want someone to get impress with the personality i am not! tya peksha mi single mast aahe! i don't feel any kind of weakness in that! i trust myself... i know i am good person... and that thing makes me brave!

mi good person aahe, hushar aahe, and i have interests about what i do... i do things from heart is the best part i have! i love everything i do! and that is my strength! i know kitti pn hard time aala tari mi nahi break down honar! my parents love me is biggest precious thing i have!

i will worship and bow my head only and only infront of humans in my life who are truely gems in themselve... they are god for me.... my mom, my dad, tatya uncle, dipa aunty, vispute kaka, khartri kaka-kaki, smita maushi and kaka, manu, hasru, shalu, anu, himu and my little sweet heart... kanha!
i know ki kanha has alot of hate about me in his heart at this moment as i force him to take medicines against his wish... may be his psychological state could bring extreme hate about me in his heart in near by future... may be he will understand my act or may not be... and so i can't deny that in some case it could happened that... kanha won't love me as his sister, may be he will never ask me in future and will distance himself from me... but it's ok... it's not his fault! he doesn't know what he is going through... he feels himself as normal... but he is not! and that one thing is biggest problem about his relationship with me, aai, papa and others!

May be his hate could even distance him from aai papa... ! may be he won't ever treate aai papa as his parents as he says every now and then... but i won't! i won't let my parents be alone ever in my life!

may be these all the problems could affect my future regarding wedding! bcos almost all the boys expect their wife to be employeed, to be their wife only without having any responsibility from her family on his shoulder... sagalya boys la sararyacha money, sasaryacha respect hawa asto... ek sundar paise kamwnari wife hawi aste! and my situation is very different from that...

i am highly qualified but i don't have job due to problems in my life... may be kanha fully recover hoil towar mazya job sathi khup hard situation yenar aahe... and no boy would support me in that case! ani due to kanha's health problem... aai papa naa mi mulgi nahi but mulga zaliy! mazya papa naa mi mhanje tyachya jagnyach reason aahe! and i m his strength! so if in future it will be needed i will stand by my parents to support in all means! je ki kontyach boy la may be kadhich acceptable nasel!

so jar mazya life madhe kuni as son of my parents yayla tayyar asel.... jar kuni boy along with his own parents mazya parents la pn as his own parents love karayla tayyar asel, if the boy will understand my parent's place and the reasons for my decisions regarding career in life then and then i will marry! otherwise i don't need anybody! i am capable of taking care of my parents and myself!

jari atta mala job nahiye... but i haven't lost hopes..... i know inspite of having talent... there are different things which turns into reasons for situations in life and i have accepted those things! i don't have job now... but i will get job at any cost! Jar on the basis of M.E mala job nahi milala tari thike... i will go for either MBA from IIM or i will go for Ph.D from IIT then! but i won't cry for that ever in my life again! never!!!!!



mi saglya lokana chup karel! sagalyana tondat bot ghalayla lawel! mi maze career tar achieve karel ch karel... but aaj je lok mala wrong mhantay, je lok mala mazya opinions and decision baddal boltay, je lok mazya wedding problems baddal hastay, je lok mazya career problems baddal hastay... tyana saaglayana tyanchya dreams madhe pn watle nasel ase success milwun chup karun dakhawel... maz career saglyana wonder karayla lawel!

ani mazya bhawa baddal jyana mahit nahiye... jya lokana mi ani aai papa kay situation madhun jatoy te kalat nahiye tyanchya opinion ne mi kadhi hurt nahi honar! aaj atya kay bolalya te mala affect nahi hou denar...

mi sagl kahi thik karel... mazya aai papa naa ani kaka kaki ni jya premane sagl samjun ghetlay te khup precious aahe!

basically mazya kaki ne aai la jya premane samjun ghetl... dhir dila... that is more important and precious... no matter what will happen... i will be by side of my kaka kaki forever in every up and down when they will need me... i will help them!

infact jya jya lokani mala help keliy... or else mala prem dilay... i will love them all forever!

i will love my parents, my kaka kaki, kanha, hasru, manu, shalu, anu, himu, smita maushi, kaka, and khatri family and vispute kaka's family! 

Darkest Day of life: 17 Sept,2014!

after so long today i finally felt to write... to write about my feelings which i m not able to share with anybody! i have been trying to skip my feelings, to hide my feelings but even if i have been trying... i think i can't keep those avoiding... none is gonna there to understand me... nor i can even escape from those! so better finally i should accept what i feel and better learn to live with those feelings or else it will spoil my own life!

since 17th sept, 2014 my life has changed in and out deeply! first of all it has shaken me deeply... so deeply after 2004 when my mother had fallen sick...! may be the year having last digit 4 are unlucky years for me and my family!
on 17th sept, 2014 at morning 5.30 kanha not just jumped from terrace but that one moment has changed my life, my mom dad's life throughout!

i was not able to accept it... i wasn't able to believe it if kanha has psychological disorder at first in last month when i had came in august... but kanha's jump has finally forcefully made me believe that my love for him was so blind that even if my mind had been shouting at me that kanha is no more the same boy who had been standing by my side throughout life till that moment...my heart was always shouting over mind that you are stupid to think negative... as per my nourishment has taught me that think positive and everything will be positive! but no... that is wrong! it's better in life to accept the true facts without having emotional overwhelm in life! that's makes life easier and less complicated!

but yet may be it's my nature that i could never change being positive after all the fears... to make thing right, to make things better, to make things positive and normal!

i don't know... sometimes i feel as if kanha will definitely fine fully one day... but sometimes i feel broken with the thought what if it's just my fake hope which would never come true?

i don't know what is future gonna bring in my life... but i just feel if i will keep crying with fear of failure about kanha's future then might be i would never survive then how can even i can make mom dad and kanha's life better? atleast if i would try... i would feel that i tried with all of my heart... but if would break down then it will be lost battle before fight!

to be frank... i have been feeling very very lonely! i had decided to fight all of my heart to make things right for my career while going to pune... but this is such a moment of my life now... that more than my career i need to have my brother's life as a normal person! or else may be i would never be able to forgive myself as being his only elder sister, as being my parent's only daughter!

my parents have taught me... but not to earn money.... but to become a more better and responsible person in life... and nothing is as much important as my brother's life, my parent's life for me if now i have choice to choose among career and family!

i had never failed as a student in life, nor as human...! nor now i would fail as sister, as daughter and a more better person to decide the choices in life about my family!

i know sometimes i feel as if it could been better to take kanha to psychologist only when i had felt first time that something is not normal about kanha! but leave it... past is past... i can't change and my guilt for that is such a huge if i would go with that... i would die within week! i have fought with my own feeling for whole month during my last month at pune day and night... and it has just shaken my health and it just hurts my family deeply! they are already too much in difficult time and i never want to be reason of worries for my parents! atleast if i can't help them i don't want to create more worries for them! i want to be my papa's son forever till my last breath!

but yet many times when i stay lonely i feel that there should be someone to whom i could speak out my pain, my feeling, my sorrows... there was a time when i had been remembering manu and shalu and hasru at such a moment of life... but my one act to tell truth about my life to my parents has created clashes in this bond which i had been sharing with them! i hate aditi nor i was able to trust any friend in my school or college as much as i had trusted to these three! even today i feel deep love for them as much as i have for kanha! but they could never understand!

i was broken after a week of kanha's accident... b'cos till that i had been feeling that no matter how hard time will come in my life... manu, shalu and adi will stand by me forever as my siblings! but no! as manu felt to talk to disha but not me after her exam... made me deeply feel that the expectations i had from her and adi were broken...! yet i called her... with the hopes if i was wrong to judge her in my anger and upset state!

but she is not at all contacting me even with her single hi, nor adi is contacting after so long with a mere single mail! i had been thinking if they are busy but no! now manu is on vaccasion yet she is not feeling to even do single hi to me! i had loved her deeply as my own sister! so just feel if there would be her own blood elder sister on my place would have she ignored her own sister like this only? atleast i wouldn't ever like that!

jau de... may be they never had loved me as sister! but i did have considered them as my own siblings only! but it's my fate may be that inspite of my all the love for my siblings... none understood me... neither kanha nor these three! but if i would hate these then what is difference in me and stranger? infact that hate would made me more sad and broken than anything else! so better i should never let my anger take over me!
no matter ever anybody would there to understand me and my love for them or not there... but i won't stop loving from my side even if they haven't considered me as sister... but i have! then fine... i will keep this love forever even if they will through me out of their lives! i could never forget those moment of love when i had felt that they are with me forever!
i had been expecting as per manu's msg that she will txt me at 10.30pm! but not... every single time she has broken her promise in last couple of months... i have started to feel deeply that she is ignoring me totally! and it makes me sad! but how long will i cry with these pains of expectations from kanha or manu, or adi or shalu?

i should have to understand that the heart i owe is not with them! not all people could have same nature, feelings and heart! everyone has their own ways of thinking! and it is better if i would understand this! or else i would just die with cry only without achieving anything but giving pain to my parents! and not for others but atleast for sake of my parents i should have to be brave, i should have to be strong and should learn to live with my own feeling without sharing those to anybody! b'cos no matter how much i love to anybody... none is gonna be stand for me with me in my hard times! and it is best thing i have learned in this hardest time of life that i should learn to hold on my emotions lonely, i should learn to be by my side lonely with confidence without getting breaking down with breaking of expectations! basically i feel hate to myself that why ever i had expected if my siblings will be with me forever in any wrong time of life!

but leave it... may be it was my lesson! life has taught me!
may be i won't get anybody ever to whom i could share my pain ever to subside! i was one wrong to think if someone will guide me through this mess! no i wasn't wrong... i was right with my love, with my hopes, with my values, with my feelings and with my nature! I did right by loving the people... that is not my mistake! infact yes... i will keep loving kanha, manu, hasru, and shalu forever with all of my heart even if i will be there or not in this world or even if they will consider me as their sister or not! i can't change due to their nature! i am not the person walking on other's way! i have my own feelings, my own personality and i could never change my nature due to these external factors!

i would never change myself or the relationships i have accepted in my life! if they will break then fine that will be their side but yet i will keep my feelings of being their elder sister! i will wish for their best from my heart forever!

i had god sometimes in past to share my thing... but to be frank... i have lost my faith from you god! i don't feel if you are there for me! or else why would you have snatched my relations in such a harsh way? but leave... if you are thinking that i m gonna beg for my relationships then no ways!!!! i won't beg! i will deal with you! i won't come to you or pray you or worship unless and until my brother won't be back to normal stage forever!


I would never beg for relationship to anybody! neither kanha, nor manu, hasru or shalu!!!

i have broken my promise which i had made to manu and adi some day by telling truth to my parents... and i know just to be sorry is not enough for that! but to be frank... i haven't be left with any choice and i had gone through lot of pain for being guilty to break their trust! i have cried so many nights for that... and i know my tears won't ever heal up that damage! but infact that guilt is gonna break me so badly that i will be one to create trouble for everyone around me... and i don't have guts to carry any more guilt for anything of this ever in my life! but if they will think some day... i haven't ever tried to hurt anybody!
neither kanha nor manu or hasru or shalu! i have never did anything on purpose to hurt them! but may be they won't ever understand this! and i could never blame them for that! b'cos circumstances have played such a devil role in my life that i am the one who is guilty in everyone's eyes and they are right at their places!
so i could just hopes and wait for a moment when they will feel to either forgive me or else to understand why i did this! and will understood that if they will think deeply they would have also did same if they would have been on my place that day!
i never want to expect anything in life from anybody ever after whatever pain i have faced in these last couple of months... but i really hopes from core of heart... if there should be a moment in my life before my last breath of life when my all the four siblings will realise my situation and will be back to me with the same love which they had before for me! but i never want to let my stupid heart convert those hopes into expectations or else may be i will break myself in that fake expectations of love from my siblings!

whatever the way destiny will take me i will accept it... i will never give up... i will wait for the moment when i will found my siblings back in my life... when my kanha, manu, hasru and shalu will be return to me!

may be it's a hardest moment of life when everyone is going away from me inspite of my all efforts! but i wish if there will be a moment in life atleast after ages or years or decades when someday my siblings will realise that how much they matters me in my life, how much love i have for them and without any hesitation they will come to me with love for me as their sister... no matter how much time it will take for them to return to me! i will wait for that moment till my last breath without breaking down and without begging for relationship! i had felt guilt for my acts and i have apologize to manu, hasru, shalu and even kanha for my mistakes or actions against their wish! except that i can't do anything else to recover the things! i have waited for so long... i will wait with all of my heart.... b'cos relationships could never beg and by begging nothing like true relationship would exist in that... so may be time will make things right, may be thing will be get solved and my relationships will be back to me!


but whatever it is... i won't stop my work in wait of things to get better! b'cos i don't have time in my life to wait for one thing and waste time in only wait rather than completing and doing the things i have in life to do! as much as i am someone's sister, someone's daughter... i am one person also! and i can't forget that along with the responsibility for all the world as sister, as daughter and as a human i am one person for myself with my own little heart and my own dreams and wishes too!

and even if i will love whole world... but truth is none is there in real to love me except mom and dad! but none is gonna be there to live for me except me! i am the lonely person in life and i should accept this fact as soon as possible which will be not only better for me but also for my parents to become less worried about me regarding my future! b'cos may be if i would fail in life to achieve my goals... if i will break down then nothing will be as much painful as that pain of watching daughter in pain would make them! and for whole world i never want to show my tears... even if one would understand me or not... but never want to give up in life... i want to fight to win my life battle to achieve my dreams till my last breath bravely without any sympathy or weakness! even if the sorrows and my broken feelings and expectations would bring tears in my eyes... will make me sad or broken or lonely i will fight with all of my streinght bravely without sharing my sorrows to anybody ever!

from today... i won't be the same tanu i was before! i will turn more responsible, more mature, more understanding, more clever, more tougher, more stronger and more better person for myself and for people around me! so that my existence around the world will make better effect for others and myself!

kadhi dolyat ashru...
tari radun ghe ekantat...
kadhi lagle kuthe...
tar rakt gothun jau de tithech...
pan kadhi dakhawu nakos...
ki tula kuni kadhi nahi samjun ghetle...
matr prem karat raha...
pratyekawar jiawa pad akhand....
karan he aayushy mala nahi milnar parat...
mala sadhhy karnya sathi...
eka janmala mala jinkun dakhaway chay swatantr!!!!

27 Feb, 2014

Most beautiful day!
today is most memorable day of my life!
early morning came to home from pune and was just talking with papa... but papa's words of affection has made today most amazing day!
papa how could i tell you that how precious your those words are for me...! and as you have seen that i was not at all even able to utter any single word infront of you... but just tears had filled my eyes... and i was feeling so so so so thankful to god papa for making me your daughter.
i could never tell you what i feel... my tears only could talk!
papa your that one line which you said to mom  "bagh mazi porgi! tichya nava war mi kitti pn money thewla naa banket tari ti ek rupaya kharch nahi karnar! i trust my daughter ki ti kaddhich faltu kharch nahi karnar." and that... "i had been feeling pain in chest since last 3 days... now i got to know that i had not my heart with me. but finally it's back to the place today again :)"
i love u papa! i love u so so so much.... even i was madly missing u even if everyone else was around me except u ni aai!

8 Feb, 2014

This is such awesome message to manu from sravs :)

Look at these happy faces And look at these sad faces Did you notice that all happy faces have closed eyes !
And on the other hand , all sad or angry faces have open eyes !
Dis is life , close ur eyes & ignore all negative things to live happy 
Apne gam ki Numaish na kar,
Apne nasib ki Aazmaish na kar,
Jo tera hai tere Paas khud aayega,
Har roz usse paane Ki khwaish na kar.!
Chhu le tu asman zamin ki talaash na kar;
Jee le zindagi tu khushi ki talaash na kar;
Taqdir badal jayegi apne aap hi aey dost;
Muskrana sikh le wajah ki talaash na kar .

30 Jan, 2014

awesome quotes which i read today :

In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need.

A  miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.

I know you'll keep the ball moving!

Here it goes. Throw it back to someone who means something to you!

A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end. It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends. But the treasure inside for you to see is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me.

MY OATH TO YOU...

When you are sad.....I will dry your tears.

When you are scared.....I will comfort your fears.

When you are worried.......I will give you hope.

When you are confused......I will help you cope.

And when you are lost...and can't see the light, Ishall be your beacon...shining ever so bright.

This is my oath.....I pledge till the end.

Why you may ask?....Because you're my friend.