after so long today i finally felt to write... to write about my feelings which i m not able to share with anybody! i have been trying to skip my feelings, to hide my feelings but even if i have been trying... i think i can't keep those avoiding... none is gonna there to understand me... nor i can even escape from those! so better finally i should accept what i feel and better learn to live with those feelings or else it will spoil my own life!
since 17th sept, 2014 my life has changed in and out deeply! first of all it has shaken me deeply... so deeply after 2004 when my mother had fallen sick...! may be the year having last digit 4 are unlucky years for me and my family!
on 17th sept, 2014 at morning 5.30 kanha not just jumped from terrace but that one moment has changed my life, my mom dad's life throughout!
i was not able to accept it... i wasn't able to believe it if kanha has psychological disorder at first in last month when i had came in august... but kanha's jump has finally forcefully made me believe that my love for him was so blind that even if my mind had been shouting at me that kanha is no more the same boy who had been standing by my side throughout life till that moment...my heart was always shouting over mind that you are stupid to think negative... as per my nourishment has taught me that think positive and everything will be positive! but no... that is wrong! it's better in life to accept the true facts without having emotional overwhelm in life! that's makes life easier and less complicated!
but yet may be it's my nature that i could never change being positive after all the fears... to make thing right, to make things better, to make things positive and normal!
i don't know... sometimes i feel as if kanha will definitely fine fully one day... but sometimes i feel broken with the thought what if it's just my fake hope which would never come true?
i don't know what is future gonna bring in my life... but i just feel if i will keep crying with fear of failure about kanha's future then might be i would never survive then how can even i can make mom dad and kanha's life better? atleast if i would try... i would feel that i tried with all of my heart... but if would break down then it will be lost battle before fight!
to be frank... i have been feeling very very lonely! i had decided to fight all of my heart to make things right for my career while going to pune... but this is such a moment of my life now... that more than my career i need to have my brother's life as a normal person! or else may be i would never be able to forgive myself as being his only elder sister, as being my parent's only daughter!
my parents have taught me... but not to earn money.... but to become a more better and responsible person in life... and nothing is as much important as my brother's life, my parent's life for me if now i have choice to choose among career and family!
i had never failed as a student in life, nor as human...! nor now i would fail as sister, as daughter and a more better person to decide the choices in life about my family!
i know sometimes i feel as if it could been better to take kanha to psychologist only when i had felt first time that something is not normal about kanha! but leave it... past is past... i can't change and my guilt for that is such a huge if i would go with that... i would die within week! i have fought with my own feeling for whole month during my last month at pune day and night... and it has just shaken my health and it just hurts my family deeply! they are already too much in difficult time and i never want to be reason of worries for my parents! atleast if i can't help them i don't want to create more worries for them! i want to be my papa's son forever till my last breath!
but yet many times when i stay lonely i feel that there should be someone to whom i could speak out my pain, my feeling, my sorrows... there was a time when i had been remembering manu and shalu and hasru at such a moment of life... but my one act to tell truth about my life to my parents has created clashes in this bond which i had been sharing with them! i hate aditi nor i was able to trust any friend in my school or college as much as i had trusted to these three! even today i feel deep love for them as much as i have for kanha! but they could never understand!
i was broken after a week of kanha's accident... b'cos till that i had been feeling that no matter how hard time will come in my life... manu, shalu and adi will stand by me forever as my siblings! but no! as manu felt to talk to disha but not me after her exam... made me deeply feel that the expectations i had from her and adi were broken...! yet i called her... with the hopes if i was wrong to judge her in my anger and upset state!
but she is not at all contacting me even with her single hi, nor adi is contacting after so long with a mere single mail! i had been thinking if they are busy but no! now manu is on vaccasion yet she is not feeling to even do single hi to me! i had loved her deeply as my own sister! so just feel if there would be her own blood elder sister on my place would have she ignored her own sister like this only? atleast i wouldn't ever like that!
jau de... may be they never had loved me as sister! but i did have considered them as my own siblings only! but it's my fate may be that inspite of my all the love for my siblings... none understood me... neither kanha nor these three! but if i would hate these then what is difference in me and stranger? infact that hate would made me more sad and broken than anything else! so better i should never let my anger take over me!
no matter ever anybody would there to understand me and my love for them or not there... but i won't stop loving from my side even if they haven't considered me as sister... but i have! then fine... i will keep this love forever even if they will through me out of their lives! i could never forget those moment of love when i had felt that they are with me forever!
i had been expecting as per manu's msg that she will txt me at 10.30pm! but not... every single time she has broken her promise in last couple of months... i have started to feel deeply that she is ignoring me totally! and it makes me sad! but how long will i cry with these pains of expectations from kanha or manu, or adi or shalu?
i should have to understand that the heart i owe is not with them! not all people could have same nature, feelings and heart! everyone has their own ways of thinking! and it is better if i would understand this! or else i would just die with cry only without achieving anything but giving pain to my parents! and not for others but atleast for sake of my parents i should have to be brave, i should have to be strong and should learn to live with my own feeling without sharing those to anybody! b'cos no matter how much i love to anybody... none is gonna be stand for me with me in my hard times! and it is best thing i have learned in this hardest time of life that i should learn to hold on my emotions lonely, i should learn to be by my side lonely with confidence without getting breaking down with breaking of expectations! basically i feel hate to myself that why ever i had expected if my siblings will be with me forever in any wrong time of life!
but leave it... may be it was my lesson! life has taught me!
may be i won't get anybody ever to whom i could share my pain ever to subside! i was one wrong to think if someone will guide me through this mess! no i wasn't wrong... i was right with my love, with my hopes, with my values, with my feelings and with my nature! I did right by loving the people... that is not my mistake! infact yes... i will keep loving kanha, manu, hasru, and shalu forever with all of my heart even if i will be there or not in this world or even if they will consider me as their sister or not! i can't change due to their nature! i am not the person walking on other's way! i have my own feelings, my own personality and i could never change my nature due to these external factors!
i would never change myself or the relationships i have accepted in my life! if they will break then fine that will be their side but yet i will keep my feelings of being their elder sister! i will wish for their best from my heart forever!
i had god sometimes in past to share my thing... but to be frank... i have lost my faith from you god! i don't feel if you are there for me! or else why would you have snatched my relations in such a harsh way? but leave... if you are thinking that i m gonna beg for my relationships then no ways!!!! i won't beg! i will deal with you! i won't come to you or pray you or worship unless and until my brother won't be back to normal stage forever!
I would never beg for relationship to anybody! neither kanha, nor manu, hasru or shalu!!!
i have broken my promise which i had made to manu and adi some day by telling truth to my parents... and i know just to be sorry is not enough for that! but to be frank... i haven't be left with any choice and i had gone through lot of pain for being guilty to break their trust! i have cried so many nights for that... and i know my tears won't ever heal up that damage! but infact that guilt is gonna break me so badly that i will be one to create trouble for everyone around me... and i don't have guts to carry any more guilt for anything of this ever in my life! but if they will think some day... i haven't ever tried to hurt anybody!
neither kanha nor manu or hasru or shalu! i have never did anything on purpose to hurt them! but may be they won't ever understand this! and i could never blame them for that! b'cos circumstances have played such a devil role in my life that i am the one who is guilty in everyone's eyes and they are right at their places!
so i could just hopes and wait for a moment when they will feel to either forgive me or else to understand why i did this! and will understood that if they will think deeply they would have also did same if they would have been on my place that day!
i never want to expect anything in life from anybody ever after whatever pain i have faced in these last couple of months... but i really hopes from core of heart... if there should be a moment in my life before my last breath of life when my all the four siblings will realise my situation and will be back to me with the same love which they had before for me! but i never want to let my stupid heart convert those hopes into expectations or else may be i will break myself in that fake expectations of love from my siblings!
whatever the way destiny will take me i will accept it... i will never give up... i will wait for the moment when i will found my siblings back in my life... when my kanha, manu, hasru and shalu will be return to me!
may be it's a hardest moment of life when everyone is going away from me inspite of my all efforts! but i wish if there will be a moment in life atleast after ages or years or decades when someday my siblings will realise that how much they matters me in my life, how much love i have for them and without any hesitation they will come to me with love for me as their sister... no matter how much time it will take for them to return to me! i will wait for that moment till my last breath without breaking down and without begging for relationship! i had felt guilt for my acts and i have apologize to manu, hasru, shalu and even kanha for my mistakes or actions against their wish! except that i can't do anything else to recover the things! i have waited for so long... i will wait with all of my heart.... b'cos relationships could never beg and by begging nothing like true relationship would exist in that... so may be time will make things right, may be thing will be get solved and my relationships will be back to me!
but whatever it is... i won't stop my work in wait of things to get better! b'cos i don't have time in my life to wait for one thing and waste time in only wait rather than completing and doing the things i have in life to do! as much as i am someone's sister, someone's daughter... i am one person also! and i can't forget that along with the responsibility for all the world as sister, as daughter and as a human i am one person for myself with my own little heart and my own dreams and wishes too!
and even if i will love whole world... but truth is none is there in real to love me except mom and dad! but none is gonna be there to live for me except me! i am the lonely person in life and i should accept this fact as soon as possible which will be not only better for me but also for my parents to become less worried about me regarding my future! b'cos may be if i would fail in life to achieve my goals... if i will break down then nothing will be as much painful as that pain of watching daughter in pain would make them! and for whole world i never want to show my tears... even if one would understand me or not... but never want to give up in life... i want to fight to win my life battle to achieve my dreams till my last breath bravely without any sympathy or weakness! even if the sorrows and my broken feelings and expectations would bring tears in my eyes... will make me sad or broken or lonely i will fight with all of my streinght bravely without sharing my sorrows to anybody ever!
from today... i won't be the same tanu i was before! i will turn more responsible, more mature, more understanding, more clever, more tougher, more stronger and more better person for myself and for people around me! so that my existence around the world will make better effect for others and myself!
kadhi dolyat ashru...
tari radun ghe ekantat...
kadhi lagle kuthe...
tar rakt gothun jau de tithech...
pan kadhi dakhawu nakos...
ki tula kuni kadhi nahi samjun ghetle...
matr prem karat raha...
pratyekawar jiawa pad akhand....
karan he aayushy mala nahi milnar parat...
mala sadhhy karnya sathi...
eka janmala mala jinkun dakhaway chay swatantr!!!!
since 17th sept, 2014 my life has changed in and out deeply! first of all it has shaken me deeply... so deeply after 2004 when my mother had fallen sick...! may be the year having last digit 4 are unlucky years for me and my family!
on 17th sept, 2014 at morning 5.30 kanha not just jumped from terrace but that one moment has changed my life, my mom dad's life throughout!
i was not able to accept it... i wasn't able to believe it if kanha has psychological disorder at first in last month when i had came in august... but kanha's jump has finally forcefully made me believe that my love for him was so blind that even if my mind had been shouting at me that kanha is no more the same boy who had been standing by my side throughout life till that moment...my heart was always shouting over mind that you are stupid to think negative... as per my nourishment has taught me that think positive and everything will be positive! but no... that is wrong! it's better in life to accept the true facts without having emotional overwhelm in life! that's makes life easier and less complicated!
but yet may be it's my nature that i could never change being positive after all the fears... to make thing right, to make things better, to make things positive and normal!
i don't know... sometimes i feel as if kanha will definitely fine fully one day... but sometimes i feel broken with the thought what if it's just my fake hope which would never come true?
i don't know what is future gonna bring in my life... but i just feel if i will keep crying with fear of failure about kanha's future then might be i would never survive then how can even i can make mom dad and kanha's life better? atleast if i would try... i would feel that i tried with all of my heart... but if would break down then it will be lost battle before fight!
to be frank... i have been feeling very very lonely! i had decided to fight all of my heart to make things right for my career while going to pune... but this is such a moment of my life now... that more than my career i need to have my brother's life as a normal person! or else may be i would never be able to forgive myself as being his only elder sister, as being my parent's only daughter!
my parents have taught me... but not to earn money.... but to become a more better and responsible person in life... and nothing is as much important as my brother's life, my parent's life for me if now i have choice to choose among career and family!
i had never failed as a student in life, nor as human...! nor now i would fail as sister, as daughter and a more better person to decide the choices in life about my family!
i know sometimes i feel as if it could been better to take kanha to psychologist only when i had felt first time that something is not normal about kanha! but leave it... past is past... i can't change and my guilt for that is such a huge if i would go with that... i would die within week! i have fought with my own feeling for whole month during my last month at pune day and night... and it has just shaken my health and it just hurts my family deeply! they are already too much in difficult time and i never want to be reason of worries for my parents! atleast if i can't help them i don't want to create more worries for them! i want to be my papa's son forever till my last breath!
but yet many times when i stay lonely i feel that there should be someone to whom i could speak out my pain, my feeling, my sorrows... there was a time when i had been remembering manu and shalu and hasru at such a moment of life... but my one act to tell truth about my life to my parents has created clashes in this bond which i had been sharing with them! i hate aditi nor i was able to trust any friend in my school or college as much as i had trusted to these three! even today i feel deep love for them as much as i have for kanha! but they could never understand!
i was broken after a week of kanha's accident... b'cos till that i had been feeling that no matter how hard time will come in my life... manu, shalu and adi will stand by me forever as my siblings! but no! as manu felt to talk to disha but not me after her exam... made me deeply feel that the expectations i had from her and adi were broken...! yet i called her... with the hopes if i was wrong to judge her in my anger and upset state!
but she is not at all contacting me even with her single hi, nor adi is contacting after so long with a mere single mail! i had been thinking if they are busy but no! now manu is on vaccasion yet she is not feeling to even do single hi to me! i had loved her deeply as my own sister! so just feel if there would be her own blood elder sister on my place would have she ignored her own sister like this only? atleast i wouldn't ever like that!
jau de... may be they never had loved me as sister! but i did have considered them as my own siblings only! but it's my fate may be that inspite of my all the love for my siblings... none understood me... neither kanha nor these three! but if i would hate these then what is difference in me and stranger? infact that hate would made me more sad and broken than anything else! so better i should never let my anger take over me!
no matter ever anybody would there to understand me and my love for them or not there... but i won't stop loving from my side even if they haven't considered me as sister... but i have! then fine... i will keep this love forever even if they will through me out of their lives! i could never forget those moment of love when i had felt that they are with me forever!
i had been expecting as per manu's msg that she will txt me at 10.30pm! but not... every single time she has broken her promise in last couple of months... i have started to feel deeply that she is ignoring me totally! and it makes me sad! but how long will i cry with these pains of expectations from kanha or manu, or adi or shalu?
i should have to understand that the heart i owe is not with them! not all people could have same nature, feelings and heart! everyone has their own ways of thinking! and it is better if i would understand this! or else i would just die with cry only without achieving anything but giving pain to my parents! and not for others but atleast for sake of my parents i should have to be brave, i should have to be strong and should learn to live with my own feeling without sharing those to anybody! b'cos no matter how much i love to anybody... none is gonna be stand for me with me in my hard times! and it is best thing i have learned in this hardest time of life that i should learn to hold on my emotions lonely, i should learn to be by my side lonely with confidence without getting breaking down with breaking of expectations! basically i feel hate to myself that why ever i had expected if my siblings will be with me forever in any wrong time of life!
but leave it... may be it was my lesson! life has taught me!
may be i won't get anybody ever to whom i could share my pain ever to subside! i was one wrong to think if someone will guide me through this mess! no i wasn't wrong... i was right with my love, with my hopes, with my values, with my feelings and with my nature! I did right by loving the people... that is not my mistake! infact yes... i will keep loving kanha, manu, hasru, and shalu forever with all of my heart even if i will be there or not in this world or even if they will consider me as their sister or not! i can't change due to their nature! i am not the person walking on other's way! i have my own feelings, my own personality and i could never change my nature due to these external factors!
i would never change myself or the relationships i have accepted in my life! if they will break then fine that will be their side but yet i will keep my feelings of being their elder sister! i will wish for their best from my heart forever!
i had god sometimes in past to share my thing... but to be frank... i have lost my faith from you god! i don't feel if you are there for me! or else why would you have snatched my relations in such a harsh way? but leave... if you are thinking that i m gonna beg for my relationships then no ways!!!! i won't beg! i will deal with you! i won't come to you or pray you or worship unless and until my brother won't be back to normal stage forever!
I would never beg for relationship to anybody! neither kanha, nor manu, hasru or shalu!!!
i have broken my promise which i had made to manu and adi some day by telling truth to my parents... and i know just to be sorry is not enough for that! but to be frank... i haven't be left with any choice and i had gone through lot of pain for being guilty to break their trust! i have cried so many nights for that... and i know my tears won't ever heal up that damage! but infact that guilt is gonna break me so badly that i will be one to create trouble for everyone around me... and i don't have guts to carry any more guilt for anything of this ever in my life! but if they will think some day... i haven't ever tried to hurt anybody!
neither kanha nor manu or hasru or shalu! i have never did anything on purpose to hurt them! but may be they won't ever understand this! and i could never blame them for that! b'cos circumstances have played such a devil role in my life that i am the one who is guilty in everyone's eyes and they are right at their places!
so i could just hopes and wait for a moment when they will feel to either forgive me or else to understand why i did this! and will understood that if they will think deeply they would have also did same if they would have been on my place that day!
i never want to expect anything in life from anybody ever after whatever pain i have faced in these last couple of months... but i really hopes from core of heart... if there should be a moment in my life before my last breath of life when my all the four siblings will realise my situation and will be back to me with the same love which they had before for me! but i never want to let my stupid heart convert those hopes into expectations or else may be i will break myself in that fake expectations of love from my siblings!
whatever the way destiny will take me i will accept it... i will never give up... i will wait for the moment when i will found my siblings back in my life... when my kanha, manu, hasru and shalu will be return to me!
may be it's a hardest moment of life when everyone is going away from me inspite of my all efforts! but i wish if there will be a moment in life atleast after ages or years or decades when someday my siblings will realise that how much they matters me in my life, how much love i have for them and without any hesitation they will come to me with love for me as their sister... no matter how much time it will take for them to return to me! i will wait for that moment till my last breath without breaking down and without begging for relationship! i had felt guilt for my acts and i have apologize to manu, hasru, shalu and even kanha for my mistakes or actions against their wish! except that i can't do anything else to recover the things! i have waited for so long... i will wait with all of my heart.... b'cos relationships could never beg and by begging nothing like true relationship would exist in that... so may be time will make things right, may be thing will be get solved and my relationships will be back to me!
but whatever it is... i won't stop my work in wait of things to get better! b'cos i don't have time in my life to wait for one thing and waste time in only wait rather than completing and doing the things i have in life to do! as much as i am someone's sister, someone's daughter... i am one person also! and i can't forget that along with the responsibility for all the world as sister, as daughter and as a human i am one person for myself with my own little heart and my own dreams and wishes too!
and even if i will love whole world... but truth is none is there in real to love me except mom and dad! but none is gonna be there to live for me except me! i am the lonely person in life and i should accept this fact as soon as possible which will be not only better for me but also for my parents to become less worried about me regarding my future! b'cos may be if i would fail in life to achieve my goals... if i will break down then nothing will be as much painful as that pain of watching daughter in pain would make them! and for whole world i never want to show my tears... even if one would understand me or not... but never want to give up in life... i want to fight to win my life battle to achieve my dreams till my last breath bravely without any sympathy or weakness! even if the sorrows and my broken feelings and expectations would bring tears in my eyes... will make me sad or broken or lonely i will fight with all of my streinght bravely without sharing my sorrows to anybody ever!
from today... i won't be the same tanu i was before! i will turn more responsible, more mature, more understanding, more clever, more tougher, more stronger and more better person for myself and for people around me! so that my existence around the world will make better effect for others and myself!
kadhi dolyat ashru...
tari radun ghe ekantat...
kadhi lagle kuthe...
tar rakt gothun jau de tithech...
pan kadhi dakhawu nakos...
ki tula kuni kadhi nahi samjun ghetle...
matr prem karat raha...
pratyekawar jiawa pad akhand....
karan he aayushy mala nahi milnar parat...
mala sadhhy karnya sathi...
eka janmala mala jinkun dakhaway chay swatantr!!!!
